My dad has Parkinson’s - how can I persuade him to accept care at home?
“My dad has always been a strong, physical family man, but now he’s in his 80s and living with Parkinson’s. The problem is that neither me or my sister have time to look after him, and he’s struggling with basic activities like feeding and washing himself. We are both happy to help with the costs of a care worker, but he is stubborn and refuses to even have a conversation about it. What can we do to keep him safe?”
Sarah, Clevedon
Thanks for your question, Sarah. It is common for older people to resist care, but you’re right to start talking about it now - before your dad’s situation becomes genuinely urgent.
Parkinson’s can affect people at any time of life, but the average age of onset is around 60 (Parkinson’s UK statistics). As you will be aware, it’s a degenerative disease which can affect people in different ways, and ultimately has no cure.
Your dad may be dealing with physical challenges like mobility difficulties, tremors, slower movement and a risk of falls. There may also be non-physical challenges such as fatigue, anxiety, trouble sleeping and cognitive changes, while medication for the symptoms of Parkinson’s can itself cause unpleasant side effects.
Going through all this, maybe it’s no surprise that your dad wants to cling on to his independence for as long as possible. He may come across as stubborn to you and your sister, but remember that unwillingness to accept help is often rooted in fear. He may be worried or in denial about the deterioration of his health. He may have concerns about strangers entering his home, or about losing privacy or dignity. He may simply not want to be a burden on anyone.
You describe your dad as strong and physical – a “family man”. Presumably he has always seen himself as a provider and source of support to his daughters. It can be especially difficult for someone with this mindset to switch roles and accept help, but here are a few ways you could reframe the conversation:
Appeal to his sense of duty to his family. Explain that the best way he can help you and your sister at this point in his life is to accept outside help, as this will reduce the burden on the two of you.
Explain that care workers can help to support his independence, not take it away. Having someone to help him with the basics means he can spend more of his time enjoying life rather than worrying.
If you offer to help with care arrangements, you could explain that this is to thank him for the love and support he has given you and your sister over the years. This frames your support as a display of genuine gratitude and may be more acceptable to him.
Present care workers as a source of companionship and advice, rather than simply practical help. If you and your sister lead busy lives, your dad may appreciate a friendly regular visitor.
Show compassion and patience towards your dad, and talk to him during a calm moment when he won’t feel defensive or under pressure. Involve him in making decisions so he feels more in control: ask him what he struggles with most, or what sort of assistance might make him happier. Make sure you listen and acknowledge his concerns, and of course seek advice from healthcare professionals if you think it is appropriate (or if his symptoms are getting worse).
Remember that your dad has the right to refuse care as long as he has the mental capacity to do so, but if you’re worried that he may not be able to make informed decisions then you should speak to his GP or your local adult social care team. They will be able to assess his needs, and advise you about any specific concerns.
While you and your sister are helping to care for your dad, you should also consider the following sources of support:
Local authority care assessments
If you haven’t arranged this already, your local council can carry out an assessment to determine what support your dad may need (such as home adaptions, personal care or respite services). This is free and available to anyone who appears to need care, regardless of your dad’s means or your income. You can apply for a needs assessment here.
Carer’s assessments
If you or your sister are providing regular care, you are entitled to a Carer’s Assessment. This looks at how caring affects your health, work and wellbeing, and may lead to support such as training, equipment or respite breaks. You may also be referred to a local carer organisation (see below).
Community support organisations
There are plenty of local support groups and organisations that may be able to provide practical help or emotional support. The best way to find out about local options is to call Parkinson’s UK on 0808 800 0303 (free from UK landlines and most mobiles). Parkinson’s UK also run over 465 volunteer-led groups at the time of writing, so be sure to ask about these. You can also locate local support groups using the link at the end of this article.
Independent financial advice
Decisions about care can have significant financial consequences, so before making any long-term commitments you should seek independent financial advice from a regulated advisor. You can use directories such as unbiased.co.uk to match with a suitable advisor, though other directories are available. Always check that any advisor is authorised on the Financial Conduct Authority (FCA) register. Parkinson’s UK can also point you in the direction of financial support, as well as helping you understand what benefits your family may be entitled to.
I’ve included some further links that may help you below. Best of luck with talking to your dad, and please get in touch if you have any questions in the future.
Practical guidance for Parkinson’s carers (Parkinson’s UK)
Benefits and carer support options (Parkinson’s UK)
Find local Parkinson’s support groups (Parkinson’s UK)
NHS overview and care guidance on Parkinson’s (NHS)
The information in this article is for educational purposes only and should not be taken as legal or financial advice. Details are accurate at the time of publishing, and no liability is accepted for any inaccuracies or future changes. Always seek independent advice before making financial, legal or medical decisions.
